Gateway To Jesus Ministries Presents
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
The next day during the wedding ceremony, the time came for the bride and groom to exchange their vows. The pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." He then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, 'Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bagsshort of a camel load, but simply said,'How, dear?' And Dot replied, 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, 'There will be a lot of banging in the land.'
And Abraham replied, 'It is my most fervent wish that this be so.' And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.
And Dot did say, 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.' And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, 'eBay,' he said, 'We need a name of a service that reflects what we are.' And Dot replied, 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'
'Whoopee!' said Abraham.
'No, YAHOO!' said Dot Com.
More humorous church stories, amusing bulletin bloopers,
and funny religious writings follow these reflective questions.
When you die do you know where you will go?
Do you know what you need to do to live forever?
Do you know why you believe what you do?
If what you believe isn't true, would you want to know it?
Why wait until the eleventh hour and risk an unexpected death before seeking God?
In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases.
BLITZ-The strategic play that takes place two seconds after closing prayer as everyone rushes for their favorite restaurant.
BLOCKING-Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
COACH-The children's Christmas program director.
ASSISTANT COACH-Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.
DRAFT CHOICE-The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.
DRAW PLAY-What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.
END ZONE-The pews.
EXTRA POINT-What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
FIRST QUARTER-What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.
FOURTH QUARTER-The amount that makes up the dollar most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.
HAIL MARY-Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.
HALFTIME-The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave.
HOLDING-Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.
ILLEGAL CONTACT-What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.
ILLEGAL MOTION-Leaving before the benediction.
INTERFERENCE-Talking during the organ prelude.
OFFSIDES-When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room.
PASS INTERFERENCE-A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.
QUARTERBACK SNEAK-How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
RED DOG-Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who own their own private pew.
SUDDEN DEATH-The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.
TACKLE-What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the thirty five-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
TIMEOUT-Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING-The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT-Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.
BENCHWARMER - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or do anything but sit.
BACKFIELD-IN-MOTION - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
STAYING IN THE POCKET - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
INSTANT REPLAY - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
TRAP - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
END RUN - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
FLEX DEFENSE - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
HALFBACK OPTION - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
A little child in church watched as the ushers passed the offering plate. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear. 'Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five.'
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, 'I've decided to become a minister when I grow up.' 'That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?' 'Well,' said the little boy, 'I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,than to sit and listen.'
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service. 'And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.'
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end. 'And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail'.
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' His son asked, 'What happened to the flea?'
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!'
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. 'How are you feeling Mary?' the visitor asked. 'Oh,' said the lady, 'I'm just worried sick!' 'What are you worried about, dear?' her friend asked. 'You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?' 'Yes, they are taking very good care of me.' 'Are you in any pain?' she asked. 'No, I have never had a pain in my life.' 'Well, what are you worried about?' her friend asked again. The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. 'Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went.'
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 10:30 AM or the 6:30 PM?"
Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.
One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.
The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"
The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God.
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting."
He got down to the last couple of minutes as a big 240-pound Christian Marine happened to walk by the door on his way to a school recruiting meeting. He stopped and listened to what the professor said.
The Marine walked into the classroom and in the last minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people with baskets to collect all the money!'
More humorous church stories, amusing bulletin bloopers,
and funny religious writings follow these reflective questions.
Why become a Christian?
What does Christianity offer me that I don't already have?
Why should I change to Christianity when my religion provides everything I need?
What is the benefit to me of being a follower of Jesus?
Can I really live forever if I do become a Christian?
Click here to find out!
A pastor's church was getting too large for him to cover all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself. All was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same time, this was his answer for his busy life.
Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned preacher's personality changed. He started making passes towards women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and the clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top.
While the clone was looking at the skyline through the telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and that was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the building and walked past the crowd that had gathered, the police stopped him and placed him under arrest. 'Under arrest?? What's the charge'?
'Making an obscene clone fall'.
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they 'oohed and aahed' the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'It's free,' Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.'Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course thatthe home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, 'what are the green fees?'. Peter's reply, 'This is heaven, you play for free.' Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
'How much to eat?' asked the old man.'Don't you understand yet?This is heaven, it is free!' Peter replied with some exasperation.'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, 'That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.'
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!'
A little boy was upset with his parents' financial situation, so he decided to write God a letter.
My mommy and daddy need $500 for bills and I don't know who else to ask. Could You please help?
The letter was received by the local post office and put in the 'dead' letters pile. The clerk, being curious of the letter addressed to God, opened to see what it said. As you can imagine,he was touched by the letter and decided to help. He asked all his fellow workers to 'chip-in' a few dollars to help a family in need. When all the money was collected, it came to $300. The clerk sent a money order in an official Post Office envelope with the return address simply, God.
Several weeks later the same clerk found another letter addressed to God in the same writing. The letter said,
Dear God,Thank you for the $300, but next time don't use the Post Office,they have a $200 service charge.
The minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today,in church,I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.'
Whatever single word I say,I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind. The pastor shouted out,'Cross,'Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,'The Old Rugged Cross.'
The pastor hollered out 'Grace.' The congregation began to sing 'Amazing Grace,how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'Power.' The congregation sang 'There is Power in the Blood'
The Pastor said 'Sex.' The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden,way from in the back of the church,a little old eighty seven year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'Precious Memories.'
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, 'After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked.'
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, 'Grandpa, did God make you?'
'Yes,sweatheart' he answered, 'God made me a long time ago.'
'Oh,' she paused, 'Grandpa, did God make me too?'
'Yes, indeed, honey,' he said, 'God made you just a little while ago.' Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, 'God's getting better at it, isn't he?
More humorous church stories, amusing bulletin bloopers,
and funny religious writings follow these reflective questions.
Why wait until you are at your wit's end to seek God's help in your life?
Is there someone who can help you today with all the troubles in life?
How can you find peace and happiness with God today?
Click here to find out how!
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, 'Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.' Bobby looked up and replied, 'Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned'.
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
A Sunday school teacher was speaking to a group of four-year-olds about Jesus, Joseph and Mary. After the lesson the kids were to draw a picture depicting their favorite part of the story. The teacher shared the pictures the children drew with the entire class. She got pictures of the Baby Jesus in the manger with animals, she got pictures of the three wise men and the like. Then she got to a picture from little Jimmy, a picture of an airplane with four people on it. She called Jimmy up to explain his picture. She told Jimmy that she could see Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, obviously in their 'flight' to Egypt. She didn't understand why there was another man on the plane. Jimmy quickly explained, 'That's Pontius, the pilot.'
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Several hands went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote 'Revelation 3 verse 20' on the back and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3 verse 10.'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3 verse 20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3 verse 10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, 'I was being the Ring Bear.'
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. 'What Denomination?' Asked the clerk. 'Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?' said the woman. 'Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones.'
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, 'Well, I guess we won't have a service today.' The farmer replied: 'Pastor, even if only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.'
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. 'Mommy, what happened to him?' the little boy asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, 'And God threw him back down?'
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy," Daddy. It stands for "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
The boy listened closely as the rabbi read the Bible. 'May I ask a question?' he asked. 'Sure. Go ahead. Ask your question,' replied the rabbi. 'Well, the Bible says that the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea-the children of Israel built the temple-the children of Israel did this and the children of Israel did that. Didn't the grown-ups ever do anything?'
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God,' The patient replies, 'That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"
A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"
"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."
"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked.
"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "All members of this parish are going to hell if they don't change their ways."
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder.
The man continued to laugh.
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this church!"
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Wanda, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Wanda's house... and left it there all night!
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed,she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are, anyway?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
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