The VISION

Enjoy this collection of humorous church stories, bulletin bloopers, funny children's comments, and short amusing writings.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.

"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "

Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.

The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.

The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.

Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.

The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 one dollar bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarassed, she admitted having hidden the box for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her,'WHY'

The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that everytime during their marriage that he delivered a poor semon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the one hundred dollars was for.

She replied, 'Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for a dollar.'

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, 'Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.'

'Okay,' the man says, 'I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.'

'That's wonderful,' says St. Peter, 'that's worth three points!'

'Three points?' he says. 'Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.'

'Terrific!' says St. Peter. 'That's certainly worth a point.'

'One point?!!' 'I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.'

'Fantastic, that's good for two more points,' he says

'Two points!' the man cries. 'At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God.

'Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!'

In the cafeteria of a Catholic school,the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read,'Take only one,God is watching.'

Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies...

One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read,'Take all you want,God is watching the apples.'

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy," Daddy. It stands for "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."

This story is about a mountain climber. He is going up some very treacherous rocks to get to the top. On the way up the hook that his rope was in gave way and he went tumbling toward the bottom of this high cliff at a high rate of speed, obviously to be dashed to pieces in the rocks at the bottom. As he was racing by the side of the cliff he saw a bush and he grabbed it. He held firm. He was in quite a predicament, dangling in mid-air, hanging on to a bush. He started to cry for help. He started to ask God for help because he knew there wasn't anyone else around. He began to shout, 'God, help me. God,help me.' He was in the predicament for quite a little while when finally he heard a voice,

'Yes my child, I will help you.'

What a relief he felt in his heart. Then the voice said,

'Do you have faith in me?'

'Oh, do I have faith in you! Why I have faith in no one else. You are the one, God. You know that.'

'Good. Turn lose of the bush.'

'Anybody else up there?'

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie- talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.

'Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

When Pastor Ovall picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.

Hello, Pastor Ovall?

Yes, this is.

I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?

Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?

Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church? Is it true?

Well, I'll have to have my bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?

Twenty five thousand dollars, answered Agent Struzik. Can you tell me if that's true?

There is a long pause. I'll tell you what, replied Pastor Ovall, Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be.

After a long illness,a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her,she peeked through the Gates. She saw that it was so beautiful. Saint Peter came by,the woman said to him 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?'

'You have to spell a word',Saint Peter told her.

'Which word?' the woman asked.

'Love.' replied Saint Peter.

The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later,Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven,her husband arrived.'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?'

'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,'her husband told her. 'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell,the ski hit my head,and here I am. How do I get in?'

'You have to spell a word',the woman told him.

'Which word?' her husband asked.

'Czechoslovakia.'

There was a man who worked all of his life and had saved his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife. 'Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!'

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, 'Girl,I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man.

She said, 'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.'

'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with the man?

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I wrote him a check.'

A group of scientists decided that mankind had advanced far enough that they no longer needed God. So they drew straws, and the loser went to find God. When he found Him, he dithered a bit, made some small talk about the weather, and finally came out with it.

'OK, look God,' he said, 'We've mastered space exploration, we can cure any disease, we can talk instantaneously with people around the world, we can clone human beings, basically, we don't need you any more.'

God listened patiently. Finally He spoke.

'Tell you what,' He said. 'We'll settle this with a man-making contest. Each of us will make a man, and the first one to finish wins.'

'Sure,' said the man, who headed off to consult with his colleagues.

'Wait a minute,' called God.

The man turned.

'We're going to do this the real way, the way I did it in the beginning.'

'No problem,' responds the man, bending down to grab a handful of clay.

'No, no, no,' says God. 'You get your own dirt.'

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

'I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!' the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, 'Bring him in. We'll check it out.'

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. 'You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?'

'Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'.

Several Nuns were in there second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. The Nuns took there habits off and tied them together to make a rope to get out of the building via the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the Nuns and said to her, 'Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broke since they are old?'

The Nun Replied, 'No, don't you know old habits are hard to break!'

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!